Friday, November 28, 2008

"Writer's Block" or "Generativity vs Stagnation"

My mind moves into the days past, the scenes slowly comes into focus, its my senior year of high school, Psychology Class.  It was part of our daily instruction to analyze a quotation that was posted on the blackboard.  This day, this memory, the posted quote chosen was, "Happiness is Relative."  At the time, my psycho-analytic perspective interpreted it to be, "Every individual has one person in the world who has it better and one who has it worse."  Though, as I am pulled back to the present moment, the now, I realize that my perspective was valid, but infantile in its development.  I now realize that "Happiness is Relative" was an incomplete quote, and perhaps it was the intention of the instructor to leave it us to fill in the rest, but perhaps I needed these last five subsequent years to finish the quote.  "Happiness is relative to the Self!"  Meaning simply, that I am the only person that can make choices for my life, and it is my choice to be happy about it or feel sad about it.  For the past few years, I felt this large void growing in my life, and felt as though my chance for happiness began to dwindle, and this void began to grow around every part of my world.  Everyone told me not to look in the void, because it would only destroy me.  But I have come to realize that I need to dive into that void, and build my fucking house there.  The void is nothing, and I am everything.  So, this entry marks the decision, the realization, to say, "FUCK IT, I AM GOING TO SMILE!"  And for the days that I get down on myself, I am going to take a deep breath and remember, I am the only one that makes me happy!

1 comment:

Brianna said...

You deserve to be happy - you always have. You're so good at bringing others up when they're down and making us all laugh, and it's about time you do some of that for yourself!
I miss you terribly and wish we could spend the holidays together. Take care of yourself, okay?
Keep this blog updated so I can read about your life back in the States!
Love, hugs, and more hugs!!